Why I Wrote Icy Storm

Watch my music video created for parents of children who have fallen into the gender rabbit hole.

May 5, 2023

I wrote this song over a year ago for the parents of children who have been physically and emotionally harmed by gender ideology. Since I first wrote “Icy Storm,” so many more stories have come to light: from parents, but also from young detransitioners. I created and released a new video of the song a few weeks ago, which I am happy to share with you today.

For the past few years, I have followed these stories from loving parents through a remarkable publication called Parents with Inconvenient Truths About Trans (PITT). These parents are not bigots. They are not Nazis. They love their kids. Their pain is real. The trauma to their families is not their fault. We all should care about learning the truth about their experiences.

Like me, like many of my friends and family, some of these parents come from the political left. Others come from conservative belief systems and may be deeply religious. They are gay parents, and they are straight parents. Blue state families and red state families. They do not fit into the tired old left/right tribal divide.

One lesbian mother socially transitioned her four-year-old son after a single declaration that he was a girl. This is the “gender affirming”¹ approach absorbed in progressive cultural enclaves, and the approach that was recommended to them not only by all her friends and colleagues, but by trusted medical and mental health professionals. A few years later, her second son declared that he was a girl too. But this time, she and her wife both had doubts. Something did not feel right. They looked more deeply into the evidence for “gender affirming care” and they stumbled onto the podcast Gender, a Wider Lens. This mother realized she had become a “true believer” in an unscientific ideology that has captured our institutions and was harming her own precious children. Like most of us, she had thought her beliefs were based in fact. And she wrote up her incredible story for PITT.

One grandmother tells a horrific and heartbreaking story of her granddaughter assuming a trans identity, being taken from her loving home, raped and sex trafficked. This can happen when states (like mine, Washington) become “sanctuaries” for runaway troubled kids who believe they are trans. Their parents lose rights, and children are harmed.

The stories by parents are full of poignant anguish, brilliant insights and a fierce determination to protect their kids. They find themselves in a fight for their children’s health and safety, with little social, legal, or societal support. Some stories are heartbreakingly tragic, others offer hope when children desist from their trans identities and return to their families.

None of these parents are hateful or bigoted (despite frequent accusations), but increasingly they are angry. They do not buy the idea that their child can be “born in the wrong body” or that any child can correctly self-diagnose a non-medical condition called trans, nonbinary, genderfluid or any of the many other neologisms coined by gender ideology.

They do not believe their children can give truly informed consent to being sterilized. Loss of fertility almost invariably results from the medical path of using puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones. Our society wisely restricts children’s access to drinking, driving, voting, getting tattoos or plastic surgery and many other activities. Children cannot truly understand the consequences of many actions they want to engage in. “But these children WANT the hormones! They know who they are! Why are we denying them what they want?” This is one of the recent arguments advanced by the left-leaning press for allowing children to consent to drugs and surgeries. But does the children’s strong desire really prove that an experimental medical intervention is justified?

Yes, they do want the drugs and surgeries—vociferously and passionately. I remember when I was nine. I wanted to wear a miniskirt and white go-go boots, like the picture of Nancy Sinatra. I thought I would die if I couldn’t dress like Jana Jenson and Christy Brown, the queens of our grade school. My entire Bluebird group loved the song “These Boots are Made for Walkin!” It was so unfair. I was SO angry!

My mother didn’t want her nine-year-old girl to dress like Nancy Sinatra. She was doing her job as a parent, protecting me from inappropriate sexual attention, something I knew nothing about. I didn’t get a say in the matter. I survived. I got the boots when I was a grown up.

Me plus boots performing in Cape Cod, 1998. I did have white ones too.

Fast-forward from 1967 to now. Imagine you have a 12-year-old daughter who wants to go to the fairgrounds with her friends. When she tells you the plan is to stay until the fair closes at 11:00, you say no. You tell her she must be home by 9:00 as usual. Your daughter throws a fit. “All my FRIENDS’ parents are letting them go!” she screams as she slams the door to her room. But you know there are reports of drugs circulating at the fair after dark. It is the job of parents to decide what is safe and appropriate for their kids.

Parents witness harm happening to very young gender non-conforming children as well as teenagers who are caught up in fads with much more serious consequences than go-go boots. They read the stories of more and more detransitioners—including teenagers—who have come to deeply regret their choice to inflict irreversible damage to their bodies and psyches. Will that be my child one day, they wonder? They are alarmed to witness the harm to their children resulting from the spell of unscientific gender myths (such as “sex is a spectrum”), absorbed through social media, schools and other institutions. They helplessly watch their once-thriving children become sullen and hostile, withdrawn and depressed. The stories and comments of PITT parents express these patterns again and again. Ingesting cross-sex hormones can bring short-lived euphoria to a young person. The high does not last. Heroin is awesome at the beginning—but it destroys lives.

None of this is the fault of the parents, any more than an infectious disease sweeping through the school is their fault. They birthed these children from their own bodies, held their hands when they took their first steps. They cherished hearing their children’s first words, relived their own childhood by seeing the beauty of nature through their children’s delighted eyes. No parents are perfect, but they love their children. They know in their hearts, in their heads, and in their guts that there is something terribly wrong with this contagious cultural trend that embraces an unscientific ideology and medical scandal as truth.

These parents are fighting for their children’s lives and well-being, all while being told they are bad people for questioning the current views of most health professionals and organizations, their own families and friends, media they have trusted for decades (such as NPR, the New York Times, MSNBC, etc.), and almost all Democratic politicians. They are told their children will kill themselves if they are not allowed to go down this dangerous path. This is a lie. There is no scientifically robust evidence to support the suicide scare tactic.

It’s terrifying and crazy-making, especially to educated liberals and progressives who, after carefully looking at the science, find themselves painfully alienated from their friends, social circles, and even family members over this issue. Not only is it often impossible to protect their children—who as teenagers naturally push back against their parents—but they face the devastation of destroyed relationships and strained or broken marriages. If you are on the left in America, there has been almost no space to speak of your reasonable concerns. These liberal parents have not become MAGA Republicans or supporters of right-wing ideologies. Nor have I. Many of us feel politically homeless, but we retain our progressive ideals and commitments.

When I wrote “Icy Storm” in early 2022, and still today, most of the PITT parents whose stories inspired the song must remain anonymous in their fight. They fear losing employment and social connections. Even more, they fear alienating their own children. In some cases (as in the Saga of Sage), they have been denied access to their runaway children by government agencies if they do not accept the “affirmation” approach as the best and only response to their children’s proclaimed gender identity or gender dysphoria. In Canada, a father was jailed in 2021 for refusing to transition his child.

In other cases, the kids of these PITT parents are technically adults, but often still dependent on their parents financially. They lack the maturity to make profound decisions such as electing for surgery to remove healthy body parts and ingesting powerful cross-sex hormones. Current science tells us human brains do not fully mature until at least the age of 25. The young cannot believe they will one day be old. (Did you?) Although they may feel passionately certain they are finding their authentic selves, they cannot truly understand that there may be serious social and medical consequences for these choices as they age: loss of fertility, inability to orgasm, bone density loss, higher risk for osteoporosis, dementia, and cancer to mention a few.

Corinna Cohn, a self-described transsexual male now in his mid-40s who underwent genital surgery at nineteen, has written in the Washington Post that he was “not old enough to make that decision.” Corinna also writes of having pangs in later years about his inability to have children: “The sacrifices I made seemed irrelevant to the teenager I was.” As Corinna describes the serious consequences of medical transition in another article, children put on a “medical leash” of hormone replacement become permanent medical patients. Meanwhile, stories from a groundswell of detransitioners are discredited or ignored by the mainstream press and institutions. In Oregon, detransitioners’ lifelong healthcare issues resulting from transitioning are specifically excluded from a new law enshrining “gender affirming care.”

These are powerful medical interventions with some known, and some as-yet untold damaging physical and mental effects. In a free and tolerant society, mature adults should be able to weigh these clearly conveyed risks and benefits and make their own choices. It should go without saying that they should absolutely be able to live without discrimination or hatred. I care about people who identify as trans and wish them to be happy—even if I do not agree that they have actually become the opposite sex (or no sex) through medical intervention or simple declaration. But unlike mature adults, these young people cannot see they are being influenced by others, some with powerful financial incentives to make them life-long medical patients.

I don’t see these parents as “transphobic,” “abusive,” or unwilling to accept an immutable truth about their children. This collective parental response to the explosion of children wanting to adopt gender identities, take hormones, and undergo surgeries is a very different phenomenon from parents who reject or shame children who don't conform to gender stereotypes. It is not the same as "praying away the gay." I disagree with that kind of response from parents as much as I ever have. In fact, decades of high-quality studies have shown that most gender-questioning children will simply turn out to be lesbian, gay, or bisexual if allowed to outgrow their gender dysphoria.

In essence, some of these young people are being subjected to a homophobic form of conversion therapy by the affirmation approach. As many have pointed out, LGB rights and concerns have nothing to do with the “T.” This has also been the bitter experience reported by lesbian detransitioners like Keira Bell. Many are also on the autism spectrum and have other mental health problems. Why aren’t we in the US looking more closely at these other issues before transitioning kids? What is wrong with a boy who wants to twirl around in a tutu? Why should that mean he is really a girl? What is wrong with a girl who wants short hair and would rather wear a t-shirt with sharks than mermaids? Why should that mean she is really a boy?

What happened to “free to be you and me?” Where is the freedom from rigid gender stereotypes feminists and gay and lesbian rights campaigners fought so hard to secure? I see this institutionalized ideology as regressive, homophobic, and misogynistic. There is nothing progressive about sterilizing gay kids.

I am not a parent, and I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. But I am a human being and an artist who (for my own sanity) must create in response to both my own feelings and things happening in the world. I care about living in a healthy society and leaving a healthy society to the people who come after me. When the PITT Substack began, I decided that the very least I could do is to bear witness to these parents’ anguished tales, hard as they sometimes are to read. The song emerged naturally.

I was honored when PITT published my video a few weeks ago. Reading the many comments made me cry. Each one means more to me than any music industry review ever could. One parent writes:

What an exquisite, resonating piece. Thank you for finding such a beautiful way to express the pain of so many.

In the year since I wrote “Icy Storm,” rays of light are beginning to break through, as the last verse of my song hopefully promises:

Beautiful light in front of me
Cuts through the Icy Storm
When you, beloved one come back to me
My love will keep you warm

Rays of Light

• The detransitioners stories (see this r/detrans subreddit with 47,000 members) are beginning to be heard as these people come to realize that their experiences of physical and emotional harm are neither unique nor rare.

• Media such as the New York Times, Reuters and The Atlantic are finally reporting that the science is by no means “settled.”

• After systematically examining the evidence, the UK, Finland, Sweden, France and Norway have all pulled away from this experimental, dangerous, and highly profitable practice known as “gender affirming care.” And although this has been happening for years, it is finally being reported in US media.

• Excellent documentaries about detransitioners such as Affirmation Generation are emerging, this one made by “lifelong West Coast Democrats” like me. I strongly urge you to watch it and listen to the lived experience of these young people, in their own words.

• Whistleblower Jamie Reed, a lesbian who has identified as “genderqueer” herself and married to a trans man, bravely came forward with her concerns about the harm she witnessed from common practices in the gender clinic where she worked. Investigations have resulted.

Although the topic has become even more polarized in the US, the validity of “gender affirming care” (which includes hormones and irreversible surgeries) for children is not a right/left issue. Seeing it through that lens is dangerous, because it doesn’t get us to the truth outside of politics.

As a society, we must examine the evidence about the safety and effectiveness of these powerful interventions. And we must invest in high-quality research. Kids deserve better guidance and treatment for their distress.

I wrote “Icy Storm” for the parents, the people fighting on the front lines for the well-being of the ones they love the most—their kids. It is about their fears, their anger, their confusion, and their shock: but most of all it is about their love. It is love that will finally conquer this terrible spiral of harm.

To Learn More:

• Read the stories of these parents by visiting Parents with Inconvenient Truths About Trans (PITT).

• Another great resource is Genspect, an international alliance of professional groups, parent groups, and others who advocate for a rational and informed approach to gender issues. More sources for data can be found on this site.

• Excellent article: Why do Scientists Keep Pandering to Gender Ideology?

• To really understand what I mean by “gender ideology” (also referred to as “gender identity ideology”) and the complex scope of the issues (which include not only the harm to children, but the attacks on free speech, gay and lesbian rights, and women’s rights and safety), my top recommendation is Helen Joyce’s Trans: When Ideology Meets Reality. Joyce brilliantly breaks down how the entire edifice of new gender policies has been built upon a faith-based belief in a “gendered soul.”

• My favorite podcast exploring a curious, compassionate, yet reality-based approach to gender is Gender a Wider Lens.

• Two of the best publications exploring these issues are Lisa Selin Davis’s Substack for nuanced and careful reporting on this complex issue from the left, and Eliza Mondegreen’s Substack for insightful and brilliant analysis.

• For deep dives on the science, see biologist Colin Wright’s Reality’s Last Stand and FR Prete’s Everything is Biology. See also this great Sex and Gender FAQs from Sex Matters.

• There are many trans-identified people who agree with me on these issues. This ideology and institutional capture are harming them too. Here are two great podcasts with trans-identified hosts: Heterodorx, and Transparency.

• For a good summation of the shoddy studies purporting to show that gender medicine improves quality of life, see Jesse Singal’s work, such as “The media is Spreading Bad Trans Science.”

• If you are interested in an overview of feminists’ critiques of gender ideology going back to the 1970s, see this recent article “It’s the Funding, Stupid,” by Meghan Murphy. Resistance to gender ideology is not an evil “right wing” plot. It began on the left, with feminists.

• The Witch Trials of JK Rowling is an enjoyable and beautifully produced podcast examining these controversies from several vantage points. It includes the perspectives of people who disagree with me about the dangers of “gender affirming care” for children, including an entire episode interviewing two people (one of them a teenager) who are happy to identify as trans.

• Speaking of JK Rowling, I am so grateful to her for her courage and artistic integrity. She stood up and continues to stand up because she saw something was not right, and because there was nobody else on her level of influence who would do so. Her 2020 essay explaining her reasons is still pure gold.

  

  Happy Flower Moon!

1. *“Affirming” a child’s gender identity includes “social transition”—with young children, using opposite sex pronouns and pretending the child is the opposite sex —but also harmful puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, and irreversible surgeries for older children. When “gender affirming care” is enshrined into law, it means therapists and parents cannot explore other reasons a child may be distressed.